Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life, the new book by Eric Greitens,
Rhodes Scholar and former Navy SEAL, is hardly a parenting guide. But,
Greitens tells Yahoo Parenting, “As I shared the book with parents,
including my own, they said, ‘This has a lot to do with how to raise a
resilient child.’”
Resilience,
Greitens says, is an essential quality for living a good life, and one
that he hopes to instill in his son, now seven-months-old. Here’s how he
plans to do it — and how you can too.
Be a role model
“Most
people quit when they think about how hard [a particular task is],”
says Greitens. “Parents can show kids that when times are difficult,
they can still take action.” In other words, when parents are faced with
a lost job, the death of a loved one, or divorce, they should focus on
the things they can control, rather than the things they can’t. Then,
Greitens says, “Kids begin to approach difficulty in the same way.”
Make yourself useful
“When
someone feels they have something to offer, they build a sense of
purpose and strength,” Greitens says. That sense of purpose helps both
children and adults persevere in the face of obstacles, he says, because
it shifts the focus from “how” they’re going to tackle a challenge to
the “why” that drives them.
Practice gratitude
Research
shows that people who list three things they’re thankful for each day
are stronger and happier, Greitens says. “It helps you look at the world
differently. It can be very easy to focus on things that are going
wrong, but when you’re grateful, you start seeing positive things around
you.”
Teach responsibility
This
can be as simple as making young children responsible for putting away
their own toys. “When you help kids take responsibility, you’re showing
them that they’re in control of something,” Greitens says. “People who
can do that are more resilient.”
Don’t help kids (too much)
“When
kids are struggling with a math problem, ask them questions like, ‘How
else might you attack this? How did you solve the last problem?’”
Greitens suggests. “It helps them remember how they’ve been successful
in the past. Their sense of achievement and the learning that happens
when they solve the problem themselves is much greater.”
Let kids experience consequences
If
a child wastes his or her allowance on candy or toys and doesn’t have
enough left over for something they really want, resist the temptation
to help out with extra cash. Instead, let them experience the natural
consequence of disappointment, says Greitens. “If they know they can
spend impulsively and they’ll immediately get five more dollars, they’re
not learning.”
Allow for failure
“What
happens too often is that we want every kid to have a trophy for
everything they’ve done,” Greitens says. “The real victory might be if
kids learn, ‘If I want to win, I have to practice harder.’ Or, ‘I have
to work better with my teammates.’ When instead we give them a trophy,
it says, ‘You don’t need any of those lessons.’”
Encourage risk taking
This
doesn’t mean allowing kids to do things that are unsafe. Think jumping
off the diving board for the first time, not diving headfirst into the
shallow end of the pool.
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